Repo Men (Review)

     The previews and hype for "Repo Men" screamed stay away but the concept and Jude Law gave me some hope.  Maybe there's something more to this movie.  Maybe it's not just an over-hyped, action filled, excuse for bloody violence.  Maybe, just maybe, it's worth seeing.  Then again, maybe not.

     "Repo Men" stars Jude Law and Forest Whitaker as a pair of repo men who come to repossess very expensive artificial organs from people who have fallen behind on their loan payments.  It is somehow legal for them to incapacitate and slice people open, wherever they just happen to be, (after breaking into their homes, in public, whatever) remove organs by hand, and leave people lying in pools of blood, dead or dying.  It is also, somehow, permitted for these organs to be reclaimed, cleaned, and resold, which, amazingly, is more profitable for the company than selling organs on credit and having the entire loan repaid.  Jude Law's character ends up needing an artificial heart and, rather than opening up the door for some deep, soul-searching analysis of what he does for a living, it simply puts him on the other side of the equation, where he and his former partner can have several over extended and unrealistic fight scenes.  There's also a very convenient and under developed love story between Jude Law's character and, basically, Melina from Total Recall, played by Alice Braga.  Also, Jude Law's character is trying to get his wife and son back, but that gets in the way of the first love story, so that just kind of evaporates.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the incredible twist ending that is heavily foreshadowed and can be seen coming from a mile away. 

     What a muddled mess.  "Repo Men" tries desperately to be a science fiction morality tale, but has no moral and makes no statement about society.  It tries to have a love story, but can't seem to decide if Jude Law's character loves his wife and son or the club singer he found in a gutter, strung out on futuristic looking, red cocaine who suddenly becomes perfectly healthy and fights like a seasoned professional  after two days straight of being unconscious because she was strung out and coming down. (What??!)  It desperately tries to be an action movie, but the action is over stylized, unbelievable, over extended, full of MTV style quick cuts, and tries to be a substitute for a real plot or an actual ending.  In the end, (which couldn't have come soon enough,) "Repo Men" tries to blow your mind by being a psychological thriller with a twist ending, but the possibility of the twist is given away far too early and too often and hinted at more than once during the ending, so, unless you were texting during the movie and not paying attention, there is no surprise twist, just a feeling of being thoroughly let down as the inevitable happens. 

     The premise had some promise, but there is absolutely no analysis or explanation of the social situation.  We are not sure what 'The Union' is or what role it plays in society.  The absolute first thing you hear is a staticky news item about the U.S. government going bankrupt, but there is absolutely no further mention of the social or political situation.  The repossession and resale (Resale?  Really?!) of artificial organs is rationalized by some quick exposition at the beginning of the film and there is no other mention of why or how this can possibly be legal or socially acceptable.  I might be able to swallow such a illogical and flawed premise if there was some kind of pay off, but all it leads up to is action, violence, and insulting my intelligence.  (And shouldn't the people who work for the artificial organ company have better health insurance??!)

     Don't buy into the hype.  "Repo Men" isn't worth a matinee ticket price, much less waiting in lines and sitting in a crowded theater full of kids texting.  If you must see for yourself, do yourself a favor and wait for "Repo Men" to hit the dollar theaters or Netflix.  It'll be there faster than you think.

Undead (Review)

     After watching "Daybreakers," I was somewhat impressed with the Spierig Brothers.  I wondered if they had done anything else, and they had.  In 2003, they had made a zombie movie called "Undead."  What luck.  I love zombie movies and these two seem like promising new film makers.  "Undead" went right to the top of my Netflix queue.  Turns out that was a bad call.

     "Undead" is a (comedy?) zombie movie about a small Australian town that gets pelted by a meteor shower which quickly turns the residents of the town into zombies.  A small handful of survivors huddle together to fight off the zombie hordes, but that's only part of the story; there's also mysterious acid rain, alien abduction, and a huge spiked wall now surrounding the town and our heroes are slowly getting eaten, infected, abducted, or otherwise picked off. 

     I couldn't really tell if the Spierig Brothers had meant to make a zombie comedy, a spoof of horror movies, or just a B movie, but whatever their intent, they failed.  If "Undead" is meant to be funny, it's not.  Cliches, bad acting, stereotypical plots, and overkill gore are not funny on their own; they're just boring and tedious.  The story was original, but that only makes "Undead" seem more like a genuine attempt at a movie, and if that's the case, B movie would be a compliment.  I understand that this is a low budget film that was written, directed, produced, and edited by two people, but it still falls short by any standard.  (I suppose it could gain a cult following.)

     I look forward to the Spierig Brothers' future projects, but I am now weary of their other past works.   (All one of them.)

The Box (Review)

     I have never seen any of Richard Kelly's other movies and I am not that familiar with the play "No Exit," however, I am very doubtful that my enjoyment of "The Box" will increase any if I were better versed in these works.  I understand stories that are supposed to raise moral and metaphysical questions and make you ponder these types of things for yourself rather than making conclusions for you, however, "The Box" fails to do either. 

     "The Box" stars Cameron Diaz and James Marsden as a couple who get presented with a choice; they can press a button on a box and they will get a million dollars and someone they don't know, will die, or, they don't press the button and well, this eventuality isn't discussed, but you are meant to assume that nothing will happen.  This choice is presented to them by a mysterious and deformed man played by Frank Langella.  From there, the movie devolves into a messy mix of conspiracy/mystery movie and not quite metaphysical and almost science fiction story that tries very hard to leave you wondering about the fate of humanity and the if we deserve to live on as a species, but ultimately fails to raise any questions. 

     "The Box" fails on many levels.  With the exception of Langella, the acting is really not very good.  Saddling the main characters with vaguely southern accents was not the best of ideas.  The directing isn't bad, but the movie does seem to become lost in its self in the middle, then there are far too many revelations about this mysterious force that's controlling everything, and, from there, the ending is very slow to come and doesn't really leave you with any questions to ponder, except, if the people pushing the button don't really believe that anything will happen when they push it, is it really a test of humanity's altruism?  This might have been a better story if it had been left to the realm of the metaphysical by telling us nothing about the force behind everything, but the suggestion of alien intervention really throws the whole thing into an almost cheesy science fiction area that really doesn't work.  One family's personal Hell, I could work with, but a succession of people being controlled by less than perfect aliens doesn't really make me ponder humanity's inherent worth.  Perhaps if they had left the alien connection for the very end, and shortened the whole thing to ninety minutes, it might have made for a better mystery, but once the Mars judges humanity reference comes out, the mystery is completely deflated and we are left with aliens judging humanity, one case at a time, with rather flawed methods.  Even the threat that humanity might not pass the test, as a lingering question, is defused by the fact that the movie takes place in 1976, so either the aliens are taking their sweet time about judging humanity's worth, or we were deemed worthy at some point in the last thirty-three years and no one bothered to mention it to us. 

     "The Box"  is long and tedious, its secrets are shallow and obvious, and the only thing it leaves one to ponder is, "Why didn't I believe the critics on this one?"  If you can, personally, find some meaning in "The Box," I'm happy for you, but please realize that that meaning is purely a personal one and nothing that is inherently suggested.  (That or you are just claiming to find meaning where there is none because you like to make people think that you are smarter than you actually are.  Sorry if that sounds bitter, but I was really disappointed.)

Q (Review)

     Netflix is the greatest invention in the history of mankind, right next to spaceflight and modern medicine.  It allow me to catch up on movies I've missed, see movies I never would have seen before, nostalgically relive my childhood movie memories, and in the case of "Q," watch something from years past and think, "How immature did I have to be to ever think that was even remotely good?"  Ah, the innocence and ignorance of youth. 

     "Q" doesn't even really qualify as a B-movie or '80s camp.  It's a step below that; closer to MST3k-able (that's mockable to those who don't know) and straight to video.  Starring Kung Fu's own David Carradine, Shaft, himself, Richard Roundtree, and Michael Moriarty, who you might recoginize from a lot of TV guest shots.  I remember him from his starring role in "The Stuff;" an infinately more watchable campy, B '80s monster/horror movie.  "Q" actually starts off ok.  There's some campy, bad SFX gore in the way of a decapitated window washer, a completely skinned human corpse, and some bloody skeletal remains and the acting is actually pallatable for a bad early '80s horror/monster movie.  Then, there is a lot of what can be called plot, almost too much for a movie about a giant, flying snake eating people in New York, there's some more gore and random Q attacks, but not enough for fans of gory horror/slasher type films, and then, at what can vaguely be called the start of the third act, the movie really just bogs down.  Right when you are ready for the big end battle, which is the way all these movies must end, we shift to the sub plot; chasing the people who are committing human sacarifice to bring about the return of the winged, Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl.  (Q, get it!  Sorry, I know I seem to be giving away the entire plot here, but, unless you are increadibly thick, you'll figure all this out very quickly.  Besides, If you are actually going to enjoy this movie, plot is not what you are watching it for.)  Once we plod through the sub plot, we finally get to the actual final battle with the beast, the obligitory fake ending, the real ending, where they actually try to make it seem like Moriarty's character has grown, and we fade to credits with the, also, obligatory, sequel setup/the monster is not dead bit. 

     Ok, I dogged this movie pretty badly, but it deserved it.  Don't get me wrong.  I love cheesy, campy monster movies.  However, they have to qualify as a movie first, and "Q" feels more like a movie of the week, or, in more modern terms, one of those terrible "Made for SyFy" movies.  Unless your night is going to involve a group of friends making fun of whatever you are watching, or maybe some heavy alcohol or drug use (kids, just say "No.") I wouldn't recommend "Q." 

Citizen Kane (Review)

     This review had to come next. "Citizen Kane." Widely regarded by film buffs, film students, film critics, and basically anyone who went to film school, as the greatest movie ever; it's not. For the greatest movie ever, see "Casablanca."

     "Citizen Kane" is, perhaps, the most over rated movie ever. Let me explain. "Citizen Kane" is a very important and historic movie. Orson Welles was deliberately trying to create something new in movie making, and he did. He pioneered new techniques in cinematography, special effects, make up, ect... Orson Welles was a great director who did something great for American film, and, at the time, something entirely new and different. It also tanked at the box office. Why? Well, it's long and boring and rather tedious. The entire story is laid out for you in the first five minutes, then relived in flashbacks. Of course, all the surprises are gone because you heard it already in the first five minutes of the film. I also really don't want to seem callous, but I really fail to feel any pity or remorse, or anything really, for the center of this story, Charles Foster Kane, played by Orson Welles himself. As a child, care of young Charles Kane is signed over, along with a fortune, to a financial advisor, to keep the boy away from his abusive (?) father. From there he grows up rich and loveless, trying desperately to find some kind of satisfaction in life, but ultimately failing to and wishing, on his deathbed, for the simplicity of childhood. I'm sorry, but the poor little rich kid doesn't really elicit my sympathy. I feel for the child removed from his parents, but that only buys so much emotion and we see Kane mainly as an adult, where all sympathy for the character dies and we are forced to endure the slow, agonizing telling of the story of his, oh so sad, incredibly successful life. I suppose we are supposed to be carried along by the quest to discover what his last word, "Rosebud", meant. The mystery doesn't really support that much story and turns out to be oh so unfulfilling.

     Unless you are very interested in the technical aspects of early film making or just want to be able to intelligently speak about the subject when your film friends talk about it, I do not recommend watching "Citizen Kane."